Most Improved Tapulator
Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
Go Left
Move to the left.
Go Right
Move to the right.
Meet Your Maker
Summer Job
Fire Inspector
Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Early Bird
Swallow every worm.
Sleep No More
Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Self Defence
Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Swan Tamer
Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
Bulking Gear
Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Paperwork
Submit your monthly physical report.
Popcorn Buffet
Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Appalling Appetite
Clumsy
Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
A Better John
Master Unlocker
Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
Couch Party
Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
Always Finishes First
Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Generous Lover
Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Spare Wheel
Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
The Perfect Partner
Marry yourself in Abstinence.
My Precious
Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
Magnetic Basshole
Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
Safety First
Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
Till Death Do Us
Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.
Autopaedicatio
Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Fussy Lover
Save yourself for that special orgy.